Boundaries Series: Part 2

Today, I wanted to spend a little bit of time exploring some common questions that come up when thinking about boundaries.

What does boundary-setting looks like?

Boundary-setting can look a lot of different ways. I think people become intimidated by the idea of setting boundaries, because they’re afraid it will be a big conversation/confrontation with another person. Boundaries are what make you feel comfortable in your relationships, it can be an act of kindness to let people know how they can show up best for you in your relationship, it doesn’t need to be explicit, because ultimately it is your boundaries and it is your responsibility to enforce them. Here are two examples of what boundary-setting can look like, one explicit, the other covert.

Scenario: Your co-worker spends a lot of time gossiping about others at work, which makes you uncomfortable and distracts you from your tasks.

Explicit boundary-setting: “Hey [Co-Worker’s Name], I appreciate that you feel comfortable with me and that you want to vent, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about others when they’re not present and feel a bit distracted from my tasks when we get into venting sessions, moving forward, I’d like to ask you to find a different outlet for venting, thank you.”

This strategy starts with naming something that you appreciate and giving a reason why you don’t like the behavior (that focuses on you, not them) and then gives the request for your boundary.

Covert boundary-setting: When the co-worker comes over to vent, telling them that you’re busy or finding a reason to excuse yourself. Being consistent with not engaging in the gossip, but being responsive when they are discussing topics you feel comfortable talking with them about.

This strategy can be seen as passive-aggressive and does not give the person a clear reason why you’ve changed your responses to them, but can be useful in situations where you feel like the other person will escalate the situation and you are not invested in the relationship. When you are invested in the relationship, explicit boundary-setting may be the better option.

Are boundaries ultimatums?

No. Boundaries are letting people know the behavior that you will help you be comfortable in the relationship, so they can show up better in the relationship for you. If they are not able to change the behavior (and you don’t have room to compromise on your boundary), then the relationship may not be a good fit, but by identifying the boundary and letting the other person know, you have the opportunity for you both to attempt to show up differently in the relationship.

What if people don’t respect my boundaries?

If you have set explicit boundaries and remained consistent (ex. if you told a relative that you did not appreciate them commenting on your weight and would end conversations whenever they did so and continued to end conversations when they did), then it is time to re-evaluate the relationship. Is this person consistently crossing your boundaries? How does this person respond to your boundaries? Are there other aspects of the relationship that feel supportive? Do they understand the boundary? These questions are good starting points to decide how to proceed.

Learning what your boundaries are and how to set them can be really tricky and it can be helpful to navigate this issue with a trained professional. Additionally, I recommend checking out Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

As always, take what is helpful and leave the rest. I hope you have the week you need.

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.