So You Want to Do Something Different this Year?

According to research, 91% of people don’t achieve their New Year’s Resolutions (read more about the research and some tips for keeping resolutions here). A big part of the reason is that we tend to set lofty goals for ourselves that expect us to change too much, too quickly. In July, I wrote about some tips for making change slowly - see here. I wanted to talk about something a little bit different than achieving goals though, today. Instead, I wanted to talk about what’s going on in our head when we’re trying to make changes.

Researcher, Dr. Kristin Neff, has spent decades researching self-compassion. In her research, she’s found that that bully in our head that points out every mistake we make and tells us mean things because we messed up, isn’t actually as great of a motivator as we think it is. Dr. Neff and associates have found that self-compassion can actually help us achieve our goals better than self-criticism, even after recent failure. What is self-compassion? According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion is comprised of mindfulness (being aware of our experience), universal humanity (knowing that other people have similar experiences to ours), and self-kindness (speaking to/about ourselves from a place of kindness).

In practice, when we realize we didn’t make our goal to go to the gym 5 days a week or meditate for 40 minutes a day, we will look at how we are talking to ourselves. Are we saying “you’re lazy, you’re never going to get anything right, might as well give up”? If so, we might want to notice that and acknowledge that it hurts to feel disappointed by not achieving our goals (mindfulness), remind ourselves that most people don’t achieve their resolutions (universal humanity), and that just because we weren’t able to meet our goal today, doesn’t mean that we are incapable, but maybe just that we need to find a way to make it more attainable (self-kindness). When we come from this place, we will actually find ourselves more able to meet our goals and we will feel less shame when we don’t. This practice will work for ourselves beyond resolutions and goals, but just to help us have more ease in our lives in general.

If you want to learn more about how to begin practicing self-compassion in your daily life, Dr. Kristin Neff has many practices on her website.

As always, take what is helpful and leave the rest. I hope you have the week you need.